So I haven’t written in a while and it is mostly becuase my mind, heart and body is undergoing a turmoil.
So let’s recap:
Did my normal routine of POAS with my FMU (First Morning Urine) and mentally prepared myself for a blank space. I had already convinced myself this cycle didn’t work. So You can imagine my shock when I saw the faintest of the faintest line. Unsure if it was an evaporation line or my mind playing tricks, I quickly got ready and went to the nearest mall to purchase the (expensive) digital pregnancy kit so that I wouldn’t have to guess.
So this happened. I’m going to be all cliché and say I didn’t expect it and was overjoyed and laughing-crying to myself. Broke the news to V that evening and we both hugged each other and just cried happy tears.
but the happiness was short-lived.
The day went by as per normal and I was like a silly idiot, smiling to myself, wrapped with a secret only I (and V) knew. But that evening everything changed. I suddenly felt sth wet down there and thought it was just a discharge from the Progesterone inserts. I went to the toilet to check and my heart sank as I saw red.
I franatically wiped and saw more red. I felt dizzy and all I knew was that I needed V. He was out with friends and I called him and cried unintelligibly to him. Thankfully V was calm and told me that he had read it was normal. I tried to soothe my frantic heart and lay down the whole night, waiting for V to come back. We then decided we would call KK IVF centre the next day to see what I should do. It was one of the worst sleep I had.
Called the clinic at 8am and since my beta wasn’t due till Fri, they were not too concerned. But nevertheless they told me to come down for an early Beta that day. V met me at the hospital after taking emergency leave and after the test, I was a nervous wreck. 2 hours after the test, I got a call.
‘Yes you are pregnant but the levels are low. ‘
I went back to KKH and collected medication and was told to return on Fri for a second beta. I inistsed on getting a support jab and after a while, they relented and let me have it. I went home and lay on bed the whole day.
This was the worst day as I had nothing to look forward to. I just lay in bed the whole day, wrecked with guilt wondering if sth I did had caused the bleeding.
Finally it was time for my second beta. Everything went by in a blur but I was still bleeding, and it was heavier. We also had an appointment with Dr Sadhana that afternoon. Soon the results arrived.
-Beta went up from 114 to 250
– Still pregnant (4 weeks!) , nothing they can do about the bleeding.
– Too early for an ultrasound
At this point, I just couldn’t bring myself to be excited over something I have been dreaming about for the past 3 years. Finally, I am pregnant but I am paranoid about losing it any day. I always thought getting pregnant was the tough part and once I did, everything would just fall into place. But now, the battle just seems to get harder and harder.
I was feeling a little positive and we decided to break the news to our immediate families since they all knew we were undergoing IVF. Halfway through lunch with my family, I felt uneasy and could feel light cramps and bleeding. My appetite waned and I quickly went to the toilet to check.
The bleeding had increased.
I tried to keep a calm composure but it was useless. I whispered to V that we should go to the KK 24Hrs O&G clinic after lunch. My mum from across the table saw me (and my freaked out face) and asked me if I was okay. That was enough to bring on the tears and works. My entire family tried to calm me down and V quickly went to get the car. Before I knew it, I was on the way to KK with my mum and 2 sisters at the backseat.
The hospital visit did nothing to calm my nerves as it was too early to check anything and the blood test would not be conducive as I had only done it the previous day. So basically I paid $110 for them to tell me ‘We can’t do anything.’
That night, my bestie M came over and we had a heart-to-heart till the wee hours in the morning. I felt so much better as she too shared that she bled for 2 weeks for her first trimester (I knew of this but had conveniently shifted it to the back of my mind).
Sunday (Current Day)
We went for our third HCG blood test this morning to ensure the levels went up. Now it’s just a waiting game as we await the results in an hours’ time.
And yes, I’m still bleeding.
I’m just not sure if I should be happy or prepare myself for the worst. This is just a turmoil.