Tag Archives: BFP

When dreams (maybe) do come true 

So I realised I have not blogged in over 2 months *gulp*

To tell you the truth, I think I have been purposely putting off updating as I have this irrational fear that saying positive things might just jinx something.
Anyways, I need to get over it as I only survived my 3 years of infertility by reading positive stories on blogs, so I think it’s time to return the favour.

Today I am 16 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Yayyyy. There was a time I seriously never thought I would be able to say such a thing. I am still very cautious, though I am slowly opening up to the possibility that I will be holding my own little bub in my hands in just a little less than 5 months. *gasp*

So what’s been happening so far? Lots.

Diabetes

On the diabetes front, I’m sad to say I have graduated from diet-controlled to DAILY bloody insulin injections. Sigh. Soon after I wrote the last post (about a week), the nurse called me to say that the dr would like to start me on insulin, despite my good readings.
WHY WHY WHY, you may ask (like how I screamed at the poor nurse).
Well, because pregnancy hormones only increase insulin resistance. So I need to start on the jabs early on to ensure the increased blood sugar doesn’t affect bubs. Sigh. Unlike gestational diabetes, my baby is at higher risk esp during first trimester when the excess sugar could accelerate physical growth but lead to overall poor development (I.e. body develops faster than organs)

So I started off with low dosage and ended up with hypoglycemia haha. I had to lower the dosage even more but along the way, my lunch and dinner dosage slowly increased (due to my heavy lunches at work and inactivity at night) though they are still considered withn low to moderate ranges.

During my last diab. clinic session (2 weeks ago), I was told that everything was looking good and bubs is growing on target (and not more, which is a worry) so I only have to go back in 8 weeks instead of the typical monthly sessions.
Yay! good job Me! Truthfully, it’s been a pain having to watch every morsel that goes into my mouth, especially during a time when I feel so HUNGRY all the time. To make it worse, I have no food aversions nor nausea so it’s not that I can console myself that I won’t be (physically) able to eat it anyways.My bestie who always had horrible food aversions, nausea, heartburn and the works, always remarks with jealousy that I am not suffering from any of these but I gently remind her that it doesn’t matter, as I still can’t eat what I want anyways. And I have to poke myself 4 times a day. and check my blood sugar 7x a day. And see a diab gyane APART from my normal gyane. And pay extra for it. And induce my baby 2 weeks earlier. And be treated as a high-risk preggo.

That usually shuts her up.

Also, having to inject myself 4 times a day requires lots of planning. I have to ensure there’s somewhere private for me to poke myself (thankfully there’s a nursing room in the staff room). The only problem is when I am in public places and there is no decent toilet nearby. But these are small, minor issues and I’m just being a silly whiner.

Symptoms 

As mentioned, I have almost zero symptoms. This was a cause for extreme worry in the first trimester as I truly DID NOT feel pregnant. I had no nausea, no food aversions nothing.I only had sore boobs but this has been an almost everyday occurance since I started IVF a year ago, so I didn’t see it as a pregs symptom. Everyday I would bug V, asking him If I was still pregnant. Poor V, I really don’t know what I expected him to reply hahah 

Soon, I reached 11 weeks and IMMEDIATELY ordered a doppler online. Best.purchase.ever. Hearing my lil bub’s heartbeat is an instant up-lifter. I try not to listen too often cuz I dunno if a doppler has any harmful effects but it helps me (and takes the pressure of V to answer my ridiculous questions) so very much. 

Now, my most irritatng symptom is constipation. I highly suspect it’s more due to my iron supplements (due to my thalasemia minor issue) as the few days I forgot to take it was when I had better luck in the ladies. 

I have yet to feel bubs though sometimes I think I feel a little tremor. But as I don’t know how a tremor feels like, I’m really not too sure if it’s a tremor or just my bowels trying to escape my walls. 

Since I’m naturally plum, my tummy has always been conspicuous though some colleagues have already started asking me if I’m preggers..so I guess there is a little baby bump over my existing fat bump. Surprisingly, my students have yet to ask. I think it’s because they used to ask me ALL THE TIME if I was preggers (when I was not or when I just miscarried) and I would sarcastically reply that I am just fat. So they probably think it’s best not to awake my inner fat-complex demon haha.

Generall lingadings

Well, generally I am more comfortable telling people I am preggers. We have told our close friends and family though I’m reserving the social media announcements till the 20 week anamoly scan. I’m still super paranoid and have weird dreams about unfortunate events. Now that I’m in my 2nd trimester, my fears involve incompetent cervix and anamolies becuase of my diabetes. 

Many of my relatives and friends are so jealous that I am having a physically-smooth pregnancy. They look at me with such green eyes when they learn I have never puked nor retched. I just tell them that I treat it as a reward for my years and months of tears and trauma from infertility, the stress of IVF and of course, the diabetes shit. I ask them which they would prefer and they usually get it.

I understand that I’m supposed to be grateful for my comfortable progress (I know I am) but only I (and V) know the hard work it takes to maintain my blood sugar and how much my brain goes into override, imagining the worst of any scenario. So I guess the lack of symptoms is a pay-off that God allowed me.

For now, I shall try my best to be optimistic. We have decided to do all types of baby-purchases after 5 months. So that’s what I’m looking forward to now. 

Let me leave you with the picture of our announcement to our friends and family – something I have been dreaming of since we started our TTC journey 3.5 years ago.

Holding on to positivity

Wow it’s been some time since I last updated, though I have been nothing but free. I guess it’s the anxiety that I was facing within myself.

The last time I wrote, we had just receieved our first beta. That was 2 weeks ago though it feels like 2 months. A week passed by dreadfully slowly with me second-guessing every movement I felt and basically going mad and the date for the 2nd beta came by – 6 days after the first.

I reached the hospital bright and early at 7 45 am, mainly because I thought that would mean I would receive the results earlier and also as I has resumed work that week and had to go back after the blood test. While taking my blood, the nurse told me that for susbequent betas (I have 4 more including that day’s), I would ONLY receive a call if the levels were off. Meaning, if I do not get a call by 3 30pm, it means all is fine.
I almost screamed out loud!!!! That would put me in level ultimate high anxiety the whole day!!! I gulped and prepared myself for a torturous wait. Luckily, work helped the day move faster and things only got bad from 2pm onwards when every flicker from my phone set me on a panic attack.

Thankfully  3 30 came and went and there was no phone call. But the pessimist in me just needed to make sure so I called them about 4pm to check if everything was indeed okay. The only thing the nurse would tell me over the phone was that my Beta had crossed the 1000 mark and that was what they’re looking for.

BIG SIGH! (Though according to my calculations it should be around the 1700 range)

I walked around the next 2 days trying to be as positive as I could though the worry was getting deeper and deeper. The first scan was coming up and I was freaking out. 

Would the heartbeat be strong?

Would there even be a heartbeat?

Would there even be a fetal pole?

What if it was just an empty sac?

What if it was ectopic?
I was killing myself with my doubts and it did not help that it was already protected time at work so I was basically at home, armed with the dangerous tool called Google to further feed my insecurities.

Finally the day of the scan  – 8 days after my 2nd beta – arrived yesterday and V came to pick me up after taking half a day off from work. We reached SGH around 1 15pm, had my blood taken for my 3rd beta (they would call me by 9am today if something was the matter) and waited for the scan. I sneaked a peek st the papers and saw that my 2nd beta reading was 1910! yay!!
I literally felt like I was going to throw up – and it had nothing to do with the hormones. As I sat there, I was so thankful for V who had been nothing but positive and upbeat enough for the both of us. When it was finally our turn, we both walked into the ultrasound room. As I undressed and lied down, V was told to stand behind the screen (away from me) and that he would be called over after the sonographer had finished. 

This was literally the longest 10 minutes of my life. My sonographer has the worst poker face in the world and kept sighing and looking worried. I was so close to just breaking down on the table when she let out a hugeeeee sigh. I was close to taking the metal equipment and hitting her on the head – JUST TELL ME ALREADY!!

Finalllyyyy she called V over and in the most unexcited voice EVER said 

‘Ok you are pregnant ah. Here is the baby’

OMG!!!!!!!!!! THERE WAS A HEARTBEAT!!! FLICKERING ON THAT SCREEN!!!!!

I burst into tears and the emotionless robot went on about how she can’t tell us anything more than that there is one baby (she kept repeating the term ‘just one ah’ as if it was a bad thing) and that I would have to wait for my appt with Dr Yu (in abt 15 min) to know more.

With a flourish of ‘thank yous’ to the humanoid, we left the room with the beautiful picture and just outside at the corridor, I hugged V so tight and started crying. One of the nurse saw me and immediately came over and hugged me and when I showed her the ultrasound, she was sooo happy for me. Soon a few more nurses came by and they were all hugging me and congratulating me and telling me not to cry and I just felt so warm inside.

This is Why I would recommend SGH Care centre hands-down – though they torture me with their ridiculous beta results protocol. 

They are just so genuine and care for you sincerely and I truly felt so comfortable at Care. It was just like being at home.

Anyway soon it was our turn to see Dr Yu. She was happy for us but practical- we were only 6 weeks past and had to cross the remaining 6 weeks carefully. Baby’s heartbeat waa strong at 110 (YAY!!) and measured around 4mm.

However she reminded me about my diabetes  (damn totally forgot about that) and insisted I follow up with the hospital’s diabetes clinic as the first trimester is crucial for gestational diabetes.

So we spent the next 90 minutes meeting up with my diabetic nurse, learning how to prick myself, setting up 1001 appointments and buying the blood glucose monitor. From this week onwards, I have to prick myself SEVEN times a day, twice a week and email the results to the nurse.

I’m quite worried about this esp since I’ve fallen off the ‘eat healthy’ bandwagon a little due to the stress. I still keep away from sweets but my carb intake has been off the roof. Looks like it’s back to the healty lifestyle for me. Dr Yu mentioned that babies could be abnormal if the blood sugar is not controlled and no way am I going to allow that to happen! 

For now, I am going to enjoy this sense of relief and work hard on the blood sugar part. 15 days till my next scan and although it will be nerve-wrecking, I think it will be easier now that I have something good to hold on to.

xoxo

p.s. It is 1030am on Saturday and no call from the hospital – 3rd beta is clear too! yay! 

Positive anxiety

The last time I blogged, I lied.

I lied because I had already POAS on (numerous) HPTs and I knew. They were all positive 🙂

But rather than the delirious, over-the-sky joy I experienced the last time, I was so nervous. 

So nervous that the positives were just the beginning of something painful.

So nervous that I wouldn’t be seeing the positives for much longer.

So nervous that I would do something to screw it up.

As I anxiously saw the line getting darker over the days, I kept the secret to myself and worried myself sick. V’s bday was in a few days time and I decided to keep it from him till then.

Maybe I will start spotting. Maybe I should spare him the heartache.

His bday was about 3 days before the Beta and I had planned it all. I had gotten him a nice present and besides that, placed the Clearblue digital kit that said ‘pregnant 1-2 weeks’ inside another box.  As he opened the presents, his actions mirrored my feelings. Yes, he was so happy but there was a nervous trepidation to it. As if we did not want to to jinx anything by celebrating too early.

The next few days went by painfully slow. I counted down from days to hours to minutes. Friday morning, we headed down to SGH, got my blood taken and were told that we would be called around 2-3pm (a HUGE difference in time as compared to KKH) with the results.

With our hearts in our throats, we made our way to temple and completed our normal Friday routine. Then to kill more time, we went to watch the movie ‘Fantastic Beasts’ which though was a great movie, did not help my nerves as my eyes flicked nervously to my phone every few minutes.

It was 2 20pm by the time the movie ended and there was no call. That was when I went to the toilet and noticed a slight brown discharge. My heart sank but it was as if I was expecting it. The dishcharge was very light and looked nothing like blood but I felt like it was the end.

Finally at 3pm, I still had not received any call. So I decided to just call them back and the nurse on duty, after some checking, exclaimed ‘Congratulations!!’. 

My heart soared though I knew in the back of my mind that I shouldn’t be quick to celebrate. We then made our way to SGH and upon reaching and further bugging, I found that my beta was 224!

This was at 12dp3dt. The last time at 13dp5dt, my beta was 114. So it was almost double the number and I felt vaguely comforted by that. The nurses seemed very happy with my numbers and that helped to soothe me further.

After a quick briefing, I was told to return weekly for return Beta tests and my 6 week scan in 2 weeks. We collected the medication and headed home for some much-needed rest.

Ironically, I have yet to accept I am pregnant. I have heard and seen so many horror stories of chemical pregnancies, no heartbeats, empty sacs, blighted ovums, lack of fetal pole and whatsnot that I wonder how low is the chance of something like that not happening to me?

Infertlity screws with your mind big time – you get so used to dealing with failure after failure, that when you finally taste success, you’re determined it won’t last.

The brown discharge is almost negligent now and I do get nauseous (esp at night) and all sorts of weird pulls and twinges. but I am trying not to read too much into it.

For now, I am taking one milestone at a time. The last time round, the pregnancy ended at 21DPO. That is the same as 18dp3dt for this cycle. This falls on the same day as my next Beta, so my focus is on getting through that. (40 hours to go)

We have not told our parents yet and have decided to break the news to them after the 6 week scan, once a heartbeat is viable. (8 days and 40 hours)

Till then, I will remain positively anxious. 

A week of turmoil

So I haven’t written in a while and it is mostly becuase my mind, heart and body is undergoing a turmoil.

So let’s recap:

Monday

Did my normal routine of POAS with my FMU (First Morning Urine) and mentally prepared myself for a blank space. I had already convinced myself this cycle didn’t work. So You can imagine my shock when I saw the faintest of the faintest line. Unsure if it was an evaporation line or my mind playing tricks, I quickly got ready and went to the nearest mall to purchase the (expensive) digital pregnancy kit so that I wouldn’t have to guess.

So this happened. I’m going to be all cliché and say I didn’t expect it and was overjoyed and laughing-crying to myself. Broke the news to V that evening and we both hugged each other and just cried happy tears.
but the happiness  was short-lived.
Tuesday 

The day went by as per normal and I was like a silly idiot, smiling to myself, wrapped with a secret only I (and V) knew. But that evening everything changed. I suddenly felt sth wet down there and thought it was just a discharge from the Progesterone inserts. I went to the toilet to check and my heart sank as I saw red. 

Blood.

I franatically wiped and saw more red. I felt dizzy and all I knew was that I needed V. He was out with friends and I called him and cried unintelligibly to him. Thankfully V was calm and told me that he had read it was normal. I tried to soothe my frantic heart and lay down the whole night, waiting for V to come back. We then decided we would call KK IVF centre the next day to see what I should do. It was one of the worst sleep I had.

Wednsaday 

Called the clinic at 8am and since my beta wasn’t due till Fri, they were not too concerned. But nevertheless they told me to come down for an early Beta that day. V met me at the hospital after taking emergency leave and after the test, I was a nervous wreck. 2 hours after the test, I got a call. 

‘Yes you are pregnant but the levels are low. ‘

I went back to KKH and collected medication and was told to return on Fri for a second beta. I inistsed on getting a support jab and after a while, they relented and let me have it. I went home and lay on bed the whole day.
Thursday 

This was the worst day as I had nothing to look forward to. I just lay in bed the whole day, wrecked with guilt wondering if sth I did had caused the bleeding.

Friday

Finally it was time for my second beta. Everything went by in a blur but I was still bleeding, and it was heavier. We also had an appointment with Dr Sadhana that afternoon. Soon the results arrived.

-Beta went up from 114 to 250

– Still pregnant (4 weeks!) , nothing they can do about the bleeding.

– Too early for an ultrasound
At this point, I just couldn’t bring myself to be excited over something I have been dreaming about for the past 3 years. Finally, I am pregnant but I am paranoid about losing it any day. I always thought getting pregnant was the tough part and once I did, everything would just fall into place. But now, the battle just seems to get harder and harder.

Saturday

I was feeling a little positive and we decided to break the news to our immediate  families since they all knew we were undergoing IVF. Halfway through lunch with my family, I felt uneasy and could feel light cramps and bleeding. My appetite waned and I quickly went to the toilet to check. 

The bleeding had increased.

I tried to keep a calm composure but it was useless. I whispered to V that we should go to the KK 24Hrs O&G clinic after lunch. My mum from across the table saw me (and my freaked out face) and asked me if I was okay. That was enough to bring on the tears and works.  My entire family tried to calm me down and V quickly went to get the car. Before I knew it, I was on the way to KK with my mum and 2 sisters at the backseat.

The hospital visit did nothing to calm my nerves as it was too early to check anything and the blood test would not be conducive as I had only done it the previous day. So basically I paid $110 for them to tell me ‘We can’t do anything.’

That night, my bestie M came over and we had a heart-to-heart till the wee hours in the morning. I felt so much better as she too shared that she bled for 2 weeks for her first trimester  (I knew of this but had conveniently shifted it to the back of my mind).
Sunday (Current Day)

We went for our third HCG blood test this morning to ensure the levels went up. Now it’s just a waiting game as we await the results in an hours’ time.

And yes, I’m still bleeding.
I’m just not sure if I should be happy or prepare myself for the worst. This is just a turmoil.