Tag Archives: 2WW

Trying to trick my mind.

I feel like I need to blog about something else to just get my mind off this cycle.

The problem is, everything in my life now revolves around IVF. Family, Work, Social Life – everything.

I have been trying to be positive and tell myself that I am already pregnant. If this is true, it calls for a lot of changes. I am definitely not complaining as this is something I have been yearning for the past 3 years and more.

Firstly, work-wise, I would need to let my Reporting Officers know as soon as possible. I generally teach the upper secondary students and normally take on at least 1 graduating class. If When I get pregnant, I would have to give ample notice to my ROs so they can deploy me accordingly. If I have to be away for 4 months out of a year, it will not be fair to my graduating students. So, I probably will get that graduating class taken away, which sucks as I have come to love the class I have been teaching since the beginning of the year. I actually look forward to teaching them and they make me want to do more for them.

Also, I am eyeing a promotion in school and being out-of-sight for 4 months is not going to favour me. Furthermore, I am hoping that the pregnancy is relatively smooth as I have seen colleagues “falling out of favour” due to missing one too many days at work because of their morning sicknesses, ailments etc. Sounds sucky but welcome to modern reality.

This all sounds very selfish but the truth is, in the course of dealing with my infertility, I have thrown myself into work the past few years. I slogged to at least get the satisfaction of doing well in one area of my life, the area I can control. And it worked! My work was recognised, I was finally being recognised and better things came my way. Now, the workaholic me is freaking out a little over the upcoming implications.

Social-life wise, I do not see much of a change as I have pretty much become an old bore. I stopped drinking (BIG BIG BIG deal for me) once I started fertility treatments and I am usually so tired from work that I relish my weekends to sleep-in and just do nothing. Gone are the days that I clubbed into the wee hours of the morning, or just stayed up till the sun came up for no apparent reason. Now, I don’t even do weekday dinners unless they are very special occasions. Most of my close friends are parents so meet-ups are usually centered around their busy schedules anyways. So yup, no change there.

The only social change I envision is stopping my dance class. Dance has been an outlet for me for ages and though I stopped in between, I went back to class about 1 and a half years ago. Many people questioned why I went back to dance in the middle of fertility treatments but the truth is, I need dance to keep me sane. It is literally the only form of exercise I enjoy. I love dancing and I love the joy it gives me. Yes, it is tough to explain those 2 weeks of absences each time I do a treatment but I manage somehow. I will definitely miss dancing but I see it as a break and not a permanent good-bye 🙂

Of course, my ultimate indulgence is travelling and that would have to be on hold too. But I don’t mind. I have travelled quite a bit (though not as much as I would like) and I think I would love to travel more as a family with any new addition(s). It is just a different sort of adventure I look forward to.

It may seem that I am complaining about how pregnancy may will affect my life. But in reality, I am preparing myself. You see, if I list all these “disadvantages” here, maybe, just maybe, I won’t be so crushed if this cycle fails.

Maybe, just maybe, I can take comfort in knowing that my work, social life and travelling plans can go on as per normal.

Maybe, just maybe.

Who am I kidding?

48 hours to go.

 

 

 

Counting down the hours and minutes

Image result for time passing slowly

Today is 8DP3DT. That means I have another 4 more days before I go for my Beta test, to check for the presence of the HCG hormone in my blood, which indicates pregnancy.

To say I have been thinking about it would be an understatement. I have been doing nothing but obsessing about it. As of now, I have exactly 89 hours till I know the results of my Beta – assuming I have a 2-hour wait. If I deduct the number of hours I will be asleep, that results in 60 hours of awake-time.

Yes, I have been up to nothing but doing “how-much-time-left” Math for the past few days. My thoughts are ranging from “It will be fine” to “I should be preparing for major depression”. I have bought a few HPTs (Home Pregnancy Tests) online and am gathering the courage to use them.

Ironically, I am so afraid of seeing 2 lines on those tests. No, I would love being pregnant. But after the previous cycle where I started spotting 1 day after seeing those glorious lines, I am now so afraid history will repeat itself.

What if I get a BFP (Big Fat Positive) and lose it again?

What if I get a BFP and start spotting?

What if I get a BFP but it goes away after a few days?

I know, I know, I should just stop over-thinking and enjoy my free days of having absolutely nothing to do. But if you know me, I think you would know it is kinda near to impossible for me to not over-think. Over-thinking is what I do. Over-thinking is me.

I am trying so hard not to read too much into symptoms and second-guessing everything. But I can’t help but check for spotting every few minutes and thanking the heavens when I see nothing.

88 hours and 42 minutes to go.

The 2 Weeks of Googling non-existent symptoms

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Yup, that’s right, I am currently in the 2ww (2 week wait of torture before one finds out if they are pregnant- for those uninitiated)

Update from last post:

On the day of the transfer, I woke up determined to feel positive. It did not matter that my own doctor would not be doing it – I am going to have a great transfer!

I reached the hospital at 9am as instructed, having drunk 500ml of water before I left home and another 200ml on the way over. I took it as a positive sign that I was not as bloated as the previous cycle – the 3 days of drinking 2L of 100Plus every single day helped I guess.

*On a side note, after abstaining from sweets and any sort of sweetener for 7 weeks, drinking the 100plus made me feel like puking because of how sweet it was. I can’t believe I am actually typing this. Me. The person who could eat 5 gulab jamuns in a gulp. Not proud of it.

Anyyywaaayyy, unfortunately upon reaching the clinic, my morning bowels started spinning and I was way too excited (had been having constipation since the OR – TMI I know) and had to rush to the toilet. There went my 700ml of built up water in my bladder -_-

Fortunately, the couple before us were taking slightly longer so I tried to chug as much water as I could when the nurse called us in. We quickly changed into the hospital robes and were ushered into a sterile-room where I lay on the stirrups and waited. I was so nervous and yet excited – everything has been going well and I did not want to jinx it by saying it out loud.

Soon, the embryologist came in and shivers went down my spine. The last time I saw an embryologist, he told me I only had 1 blast left to transfer and nothing to freeze. Not the memorY I wanted to re-create.

“Okayyy..we need to make some decisions”

“Gulp. Ah huh”

“Well we retrieved 23 eggs and like what we said, 13 were mature. They all fertilised”

“Huh, I thought you said 1 did not?”

“Oh it did but 1 was abnormal so we threw it away”

“Orh” (felt a little sad for my abandoned abnormie )

“So there are remaining 12..we are transferring 2 today”

“Oh”

(I was thinking there was going to be a discussion like the last time but I guess after having one miscarriage/chem pregnancy, all the risks of a multiple pregnancy don’t seem too risky anymore?)

“So we are left with 10..actually 9 because 1 is growing a little slowly but we will let it run a little longer and see if it catches up”

“Ah huh”

“Here’s the problem..if we want to freeze, we can freeze up to 7 embryos in 1 payment scheme. So if you want to freeze all 9 (or 10 if my late bloomer catches up), you would have to essentially pay for 2 sets”

“Oh..”

As you can see, I was flowing with articulation with my intelligent, well-thought-of answers. NOT.

So we were told that each set would cost about $1600. So if we wanted to freeze all 9 or 10 of them, that would be over $3k or half that price for 7 of the embryos. The embryologist left V and I to discuss and left.

Deep in my heart I already knew the answer. The last cycle, my heart ached that I could not even produce enough eggs to have any left to store. I changed my lifestyle, tried to be as healthy as possible, the drs gave me a new medical protocol, I paid for expensive embryo culture solution,  so just to increase the yield, even though my previous Dr said nothing much can be done as it was genetic (HAH! IN YOUR FACE!). And now, the problem was that I had too many to freeze in 1 go?

#firstworldinfertilityproblems

I was going to keep them ALL. Each of these eggs represent a possible chance of becoming my future child and why would I want to discard any such chances? Even if this cycle goes well, it still does not mean I will not need any more cycles.

As I looked at V, I told him “I don’t want to throw any away. They are too precious. Even if we never have to use them again”

“Are you okay with spending the money?” Mr Practical asked.

“We can always earn more money. I don’t want to throw them away”

I know it sounds cheesy but our eyes locked and we smiled. He of all people, knew my fear of not being able to stimulate enough and he knew what I meant. We told the embryologist our decision and she agreed with us, as according to her I am still young (TAKE THAT WHITE HAIRS ON MY TEMPLE!) and the eggs can be stored till I am 45 so I have plenty of opportunities to use them. And oh, in the few extra minutes we were discussing, the late-bloomer caught up!! So I would be storing all 10 of my babies.. AWWW…

So we went on preparing for the transfer. Soon Dr Hema came in and seeing her put my heart at ease. She looked confident and yet not too patronising. She read my files and was very pleased with my numbers and went on preparing for the procedure. Thankfully, there was just enough fluid in my bladder and she went on to put in the catheter. It was uncomfortable (cold) and I felt very stretched but it was not painful, unlike the last time. Really uncomfortable though. I had to take deep breaths to avoid thinking about the pressure down there.

I had initially asked the nurse if I could get some painkillers for the after-procedure as the last time, my cramps had been so intense I almost passed out. She then mentioned this to Dr Hema who looked at my uterus and said “Everything is going on very well, everything looks good, the catheter went in perfectly, so I think there shouldn’t be any cramps. But you can take Panadol if you do feel any.”

Feeling gleeful about her positive prognosis, I nodded and waited for the embryologist to bring my babies over. Soon, the screen beside me lighted up and there they were, my 2 perfect, 8-cell embryos. They were then sucked into a tube and the embryologist walked over and placed them in.

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My beautiful embies

Before I knew it, it was over and Dr Hema said the magic words “It’s perfect. Your lining is as good as it can be. The embryos are looking great. Everything is as good as it can get!”

My heart swelled and I looked over at V and squeezed his hand as she showed us a white blob on the screen, indicating the pocket of air after the embryos, signalling that they indeed, are inside me right now.

As we profusely thanked her and she wished us all the best, I lay there on my back as V signed the embryo storage and insurance forms. I was not used to things going well, so I was preparing myself for some sort of bad news today. I did not know if I should feel relieved that everything went well or anxious as this probably meant the bad news was being postponed to another time when I would least expect it.

Soon we got dressed and waited for the nurse to be done with the next couple. I felt more confident of not having any cramps as I was feeling as normal as I could, whereas in KKH by this time, I was not able to stand up straight.

After an hour during which we had our breakfast(the couple after us had some complications and it was a Sunday, so there was only 1 nurse on call), the nurse briefed us on our upcoming appointments and the basic Do’s&Don’ts. We then left with a flurry of “All the best”s and “Thank you”s and headed home. Thankfully, the rest of the day was uneventful with no severe cramps. I rested all day with V forcing me to remain in bed.

Apart from going for my progesterone blood test 2 days later (level is good!), I have been at home reading, watching loads of shows and googling every minor symptom (or normal body function)  I experience. Needless to say, it has been excruciating. Having a 3-day transfer means a longer 2ww as compared to a 5-day transfer so it has been quite torturous counting down the days.

On Thursday, (4days past transfer), I took a slow drive to the TCM practitioner to get some herbs to “help the baby stick”. My mum has been cooking for me daily and my dad drops the food off in the morning on his way to work. Thankfully, he works pretty near to my place so I don’t feel as bad. I tried to clear some work but have no heart to do all the heavy-duty stuff that is due at the end of the year yet. I finished catching up with “Bones”, “Big Bang Theory”, “Fresh Off The Boat” and just yesterday, a Korean drama recommended by my friend “Incarnate Jealousy” which more than filled my romance quota of the year! Oh gosh I can’t even count the number of times my heart skipped with each romantic line and look the suave actor delivered. I think the hormones are getting to me as my idea of suave are usually NOT ghost-white men who dress better than me. But…

Image result for jealousy incarnate jo jung suk

The main lead who is currently controlling my heart-strings. SUAVE RIGHT!

I have also skimmed through a few books but am having difficulty finishing 1. This is a first for me – I don’t know why but maybe because my mind keeps drifting back to “What Ifs” and the chapter loses its appeal.

Today is 6DP3DT (6 days past 3 day transfer) and I have another 6 torturous days before my Beta. As I get closer to my Beta, I become paranoid about history repeating itself and run (walk quickly) to the toilet to check for spotting each time I feel something. I am driving myself crazy! ARGH

I have ordered some cheap HPTs online and will definitely test before my beta to prepare myself mentally. I don’t have to worry about the trigger HCG as I used Luprin for my trigger so there should not be any HCG in my system from that anyways. I think I will start testing in another 2 more days and I pray for all the courage my heart needs to see the results.

 

xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

2ww Distractions 

So the last time I wrote, I was a little psychotic and emotional and wailing. So i decided to try to snap out of it (not easy) and focus on getting time to pass by so I can get to the Beta test on Friday asap.

So I decided to focus on my Relax List and accomplished the following :

– completed the entire DOS series. I am now officially a fan and my dreams lately have consisted of hunky Korean men marching around pristine rocky landscapes. I NEVER thought I would be swooning over Korean men, let alone dreaming about them!! Happy Sigh.

– I couldn’t convince V to renovate the whole house (hurhur) but we did get a whole bunch of new plants to beautify our corridor and some greenery around the house too. We also finished up some long-overdue handywork that has been bugging me and I am so happy with the outcome. (for now)

– Watched a movie in the theatre (Now You See Me 2) which I enjoyed though I prefer the first one. (Isn’t this always the case for movies with sequels?!) 

– Almost finished my 4th book. WOOHOO! 

All these have helped the time while by a little faster though Friday could never come soon enough. I’m praying for more patience and resistance for the next 5 days before the B day. Next week may go by a little faster as I (sadly) have to get started on work. Sigh. Wish me luck! 

5dp5dt – Emotional wreck 

So I succumbed to the POAS (Pee On A Stick) devil and finally gave in after resisting for 5 days. Well I am lying. I didn’t resist much for 5 days, I just didn’t have any HPT (Home Pregnancy Test) kits at home and the ones I ordered online finally arrived last night. So I resisted for a grand total of 12 hours. 
This morning when I woke up at 8 30am to put in the Progesterone inserts, I decided to give it a try. I know 5DP5DT is a little early and I promised myself I wouldn’t get upset, but seeing the stark white space, willing and wishing for the faintest of pink brought back such painful memories. I titled the little strip in all directions, under various light conditions, trying to convince myself there was a faint line, but nope. Nothing.

I feel so empty now and although I know it’s still early, I can’t help but wonder if this cycle is a failure. I feel like digging a hole and just staying there. Today, 2 friends who know about this IVF messaged to ask how I was doing. Although it was very sweet, the emptiness just got worse. It’s not that I’m giving up but I need to be mentally prepared. Expecting a glimmer of hope and then have it all dashed by a negative beta or by AF is so heart-wrenching and the days that follow are usually followed by extreme darkness. 

It’s been 3 years but it never gets easier, does it? Hoping for my precious embie to still be hanging in there..hang tight little one. I still wish with all my heart to see that line next week.

Relaxing with a vengence 

So it’s just 2 days after my transfer and I am already paranoid that I am not ‘using’ this precious break time as effectively as I should. V calls this ‘being high-strung’ but I prefer calling it ‘milking the cow for what it’s worth’.

You see, this 2-week of hospitalisation leave happens to coincide with my 2-weeks of protected time at work during the June school holidays. While this means I don’t have to worry about getting someone to cover my duties at work and missing out on work, it (sadly) also means my bi-annual chance of going on vacation and basically doing whatever I want, has flown out of the windows. 

Seeing all my colleagues and teacher friends posting about their exciting adventures in exotic lands on social media has been crippling as I absolutely love travelling (who doesn’t?!). So I told myself that instead of lamenting that I can’t travel, I will make full use of my HL to RELAX like I’ve never relaxed before.

So, before I started on my HL, I had planned to 

  • Get started on the crazy trend that is Descendants of the Sun by binge watching all episodes
  • Read AS MANY books as I can. I absolutely devour books with a relish.
  • Catch up on past seasons of my favourite TV shows (Jane the Virgin, Orange is the New Black, Scandal etc)
  • Sleep as much as I can 
  • Finish up my insane backlog of work like vetting testimonials and planning the first few weeks of lessons (I know this isn’t exactly relaxing but I would feel SO relaxed if this is done)

So far, I have done:

  • Read 3 books!!! YAY I am so so happy about this. My family and friends always tease me that I scan through books, not read them, due to my speed reading but I can’t help it! Reading is so so therapeutic.

That’s about it. I’ve also been watching an insane amount of HGTV. This may be a mistake as I am finding tiny flaws around my house like the paint is chipped at the corner or the TV console is collecting too much dust and so suggesting to V casually that it’s time for us to renovate the entire (4 year-old) house. 

Needless to say, V is not pleased about this. 

On a different note, physically I am doing so much better and just having on-and-off cramps, pulls and twinges. I am not trying to read too much into symptoms as I know the progesterone inserts can also cause the same symptoms. However, my paranoia has been leading me to some embarasssing Google search terms but I think all of us TTC are guilty of this. I know my 2ww during my IUI sessions were also similarly nerve-wrecking. 

So I have decided to relax with a vengence starting tomorrow. I am DETERMINED to enjoy this period of forced rest!