A week of turmoil

So I haven’t written in a while and it is mostly becuase my mind, heart and body is undergoing a turmoil.

So let’s recap:

Monday

Did my normal routine of POAS with my FMU (First Morning Urine) and mentally prepared myself for a blank space. I had already convinced myself this cycle didn’t work. So You can imagine my shock when I saw the faintest of the faintest line. Unsure if it was an evaporation line or my mind playing tricks, I quickly got ready and went to the nearest mall to purchase the (expensive) digital pregnancy kit so that I wouldn’t have to guess.

So this happened. I’m going to be all cliché and say I didn’t expect it and was overjoyed and laughing-crying to myself. Broke the news to V that evening and we both hugged each other and just cried happy tears.
but the happiness  was short-lived.
Tuesday 

The day went by as per normal and I was like a silly idiot, smiling to myself, wrapped with a secret only I (and V) knew. But that evening everything changed. I suddenly felt sth wet down there and thought it was just a discharge from the Progesterone inserts. I went to the toilet to check and my heart sank as I saw red. 

Blood.

I franatically wiped and saw more red. I felt dizzy and all I knew was that I needed V. He was out with friends and I called him and cried unintelligibly to him. Thankfully V was calm and told me that he had read it was normal. I tried to soothe my frantic heart and lay down the whole night, waiting for V to come back. We then decided we would call KK IVF centre the next day to see what I should do. It was one of the worst sleep I had.

Wednsaday 

Called the clinic at 8am and since my beta wasn’t due till Fri, they were not too concerned. But nevertheless they told me to come down for an early Beta that day. V met me at the hospital after taking emergency leave and after the test, I was a nervous wreck. 2 hours after the test, I got a call. 

‘Yes you are pregnant but the levels are low. ‘

I went back to KKH and collected medication and was told to return on Fri for a second beta. I inistsed on getting a support jab and after a while, they relented and let me have it. I went home and lay on bed the whole day.
Thursday 

This was the worst day as I had nothing to look forward to. I just lay in bed the whole day, wrecked with guilt wondering if sth I did had caused the bleeding.

Friday

Finally it was time for my second beta. Everything went by in a blur but I was still bleeding, and it was heavier. We also had an appointment with Dr Sadhana that afternoon. Soon the results arrived.

-Beta went up from 114 to 250

– Still pregnant (4 weeks!) , nothing they can do about the bleeding.

– Too early for an ultrasound
At this point, I just couldn’t bring myself to be excited over something I have been dreaming about for the past 3 years. Finally, I am pregnant but I am paranoid about losing it any day. I always thought getting pregnant was the tough part and once I did, everything would just fall into place. But now, the battle just seems to get harder and harder.

Saturday

I was feeling a little positive and we decided to break the news to our immediate  families since they all knew we were undergoing IVF. Halfway through lunch with my family, I felt uneasy and could feel light cramps and bleeding. My appetite waned and I quickly went to the toilet to check. 

The bleeding had increased.

I tried to keep a calm composure but it was useless. I whispered to V that we should go to the KK 24Hrs O&G clinic after lunch. My mum from across the table saw me (and my freaked out face) and asked me if I was okay. That was enough to bring on the tears and works.  My entire family tried to calm me down and V quickly went to get the car. Before I knew it, I was on the way to KK with my mum and 2 sisters at the backseat.

The hospital visit did nothing to calm my nerves as it was too early to check anything and the blood test would not be conducive as I had only done it the previous day. So basically I paid $110 for them to tell me ‘We can’t do anything.’

That night, my bestie M came over and we had a heart-to-heart till the wee hours in the morning. I felt so much better as she too shared that she bled for 2 weeks for her first trimester  (I knew of this but had conveniently shifted it to the back of my mind).
Sunday (Current Day)

We went for our third HCG blood test this morning to ensure the levels went up. Now it’s just a waiting game as we await the results in an hours’ time.

And yes, I’m still bleeding.
I’m just not sure if I should be happy or prepare myself for the worst. This is just a turmoil.

2ww Distractions 

So the last time I wrote, I was a little psychotic and emotional and wailing. So i decided to try to snap out of it (not easy) and focus on getting time to pass by so I can get to the Beta test on Friday asap.

So I decided to focus on my Relax List and accomplished the following :

– completed the entire DOS series. I am now officially a fan and my dreams lately have consisted of hunky Korean men marching around pristine rocky landscapes. I NEVER thought I would be swooning over Korean men, let alone dreaming about them!! Happy Sigh.

– I couldn’t convince V to renovate the whole house (hurhur) but we did get a whole bunch of new plants to beautify our corridor and some greenery around the house too. We also finished up some long-overdue handywork that has been bugging me and I am so happy with the outcome. (for now)

– Watched a movie in the theatre (Now You See Me 2) which I enjoyed though I prefer the first one. (Isn’t this always the case for movies with sequels?!) 

– Almost finished my 4th book. WOOHOO! 

All these have helped the time while by a little faster though Friday could never come soon enough. I’m praying for more patience and resistance for the next 5 days before the B day. Next week may go by a little faster as I (sadly) have to get started on work. Sigh. Wish me luck! 

5dp5dt – Emotional wreck 

So I succumbed to the POAS (Pee On A Stick) devil and finally gave in after resisting for 5 days. Well I am lying. I didn’t resist much for 5 days, I just didn’t have any HPT (Home Pregnancy Test) kits at home and the ones I ordered online finally arrived last night. So I resisted for a grand total of 12 hours. 
This morning when I woke up at 8 30am to put in the Progesterone inserts, I decided to give it a try. I know 5DP5DT is a little early and I promised myself I wouldn’t get upset, but seeing the stark white space, willing and wishing for the faintest of pink brought back such painful memories. I titled the little strip in all directions, under various light conditions, trying to convince myself there was a faint line, but nope. Nothing.

I feel so empty now and although I know it’s still early, I can’t help but wonder if this cycle is a failure. I feel like digging a hole and just staying there. Today, 2 friends who know about this IVF messaged to ask how I was doing. Although it was very sweet, the emptiness just got worse. It’s not that I’m giving up but I need to be mentally prepared. Expecting a glimmer of hope and then have it all dashed by a negative beta or by AF is so heart-wrenching and the days that follow are usually followed by extreme darkness. 

It’s been 3 years but it never gets easier, does it? Hoping for my precious embie to still be hanging in there..hang tight little one. I still wish with all my heart to see that line next week.

Relaxing with a vengence 

So it’s just 2 days after my transfer and I am already paranoid that I am not ‘using’ this precious break time as effectively as I should. V calls this ‘being high-strung’ but I prefer calling it ‘milking the cow for what it’s worth’.

You see, this 2-week of hospitalisation leave happens to coincide with my 2-weeks of protected time at work during the June school holidays. While this means I don’t have to worry about getting someone to cover my duties at work and missing out on work, it (sadly) also means my bi-annual chance of going on vacation and basically doing whatever I want, has flown out of the windows. 

Seeing all my colleagues and teacher friends posting about their exciting adventures in exotic lands on social media has been crippling as I absolutely love travelling (who doesn’t?!). So I told myself that instead of lamenting that I can’t travel, I will make full use of my HL to RELAX like I’ve never relaxed before.

So, before I started on my HL, I had planned to 

  • Get started on the crazy trend that is Descendants of the Sun by binge watching all episodes
  • Read AS MANY books as I can. I absolutely devour books with a relish.
  • Catch up on past seasons of my favourite TV shows (Jane the Virgin, Orange is the New Black, Scandal etc)
  • Sleep as much as I can 
  • Finish up my insane backlog of work like vetting testimonials and planning the first few weeks of lessons (I know this isn’t exactly relaxing but I would feel SO relaxed if this is done)

So far, I have done:

  • Read 3 books!!! YAY I am so so happy about this. My family and friends always tease me that I scan through books, not read them, due to my speed reading but I can’t help it! Reading is so so therapeutic.

That’s about it. I’ve also been watching an insane amount of HGTV. This may be a mistake as I am finding tiny flaws around my house like the paint is chipped at the corner or the TV console is collecting too much dust and so suggesting to V casually that it’s time for us to renovate the entire (4 year-old) house. 

Needless to say, V is not pleased about this. 

On a different note, physically I am doing so much better and just having on-and-off cramps, pulls and twinges. I am not trying to read too much into symptoms as I know the progesterone inserts can also cause the same symptoms. However, my paranoia has been leading me to some embarasssing Google search terms but I think all of us TTC are guilty of this. I know my 2ww during my IUI sessions were also similarly nerve-wrecking. 

So I have decided to relax with a vengence starting tomorrow. I am DETERMINED to enjoy this period of forced rest!

Egg Transfer – 1 or 2?

After the egg retrieval, I thought the worst was over. My biggest worry was that my eggs would not be able to grow and now, I managed to get 4 eggs. So the next steps should be easy-peasy.

Well, like every step of the infertility journey, it was damn difficult. Firstly, the appointment was set on Thursday, 9th June. Being our ROM (registered marriage) anniversary, V and I took it as a good sign and reached the hospital as told by 8 45am.

I was excited and raring to go, with a full bladder (also raring to go pee). As a surprise, my mom and sis turned up at the clinic to support me, though I don’t know what support they were expecting to give (hold the catheter?). Them being there helped to lighten the mood though as all sorts of weird comments came out (as usual) and my mum giving me 1001 tips as the self-proclaimed expert of IVF since her close colleague successfully went through the procedure recently.

These were just some of the tips that my sis and I were trying very hard not to giggle about and V was giving me this look saying “is your mum serious?!”

  1. Don’t walk with your heel.(yes as I should be floating everywhere instead)
  2. Lie straight on your bed, no turning left and right AT ALL
  3. Don’t switch on the fan or air-conditioner (does she realise we are living in SINGAPORE?)
  4. Don’t talk loudly (Those who know me personally will know how difficult this is)

 

Anyway after giggling and feeling a little loosened up, we were called in to the procedure room where Dr Sadhana would be meeting us. All excited, we awaited her arrival. Soon. she came in and that’s when everything went downhill. So we had collected 4 eggs but apparently, 2 did not ferterlise. We had 2 good embryos which was a good number still (really? did not feel like it). However, Dr Sadhana was not keen on transferring both due to the possibility of twins and the high risks associated.

Firstly, I was gutted. I mean I always secretly wanted twins – kill 2 birds with 1 stone! However, as she listed all the risks, my desire waned. My mum also had gestational diabetes when she carried me, so Dr Sadhana warned that I will also (she used the term 100%) get it if I were to carry twins. So, her suggestion – cultivate both the embryos to blastocysts and transfer the better quality one on Day 5 and freeze the other.

Initially, I was hesitant. Would transferring 1 mean the chance of getting pregnant be lower? But Dr S said it would be the same chances and she would rather transfer 1 than risk a multiple pregnancy. She gave us some time to think about it and we left the room with heavy hearts.

As we went down to the kopitiam where my mum and sis were, I was wrecked with confusion. I really really wanted to transfer both but the risks were staring me right at my face. How could I do something knowing it may cause harm to my (potential) babies ? My mum and sis were trying to be diplomatic, telling me that they will support me whatever decision I take and that it was my decision to take. V, I knew, preferred the safer option as to him, nothing is more important than us being safe. And for that I was grateful.

So, I decided to stick to the dr’s advice and headed back to the clinic to tell her our decision. The nurse on duty told us it was the better decision and sent me to the pharmacy to collect the medication needed for the next few weeks. As I walked down, my heart felt light and heavy at the same time. Light as I knew I did the right thing, taking the safer route. Heavy as I wondered if I would regret this “safe” route to come.

(My mum then tried to make me feel better by saying Saturday is actually an auspicious date and today not so…she didn’t want to scare me so did not say anything earlier but now it turned out for the best yada yada. My sister and I continued our side-glance-eye-roll-hidden-giggle).

I went home and had a good sleep and felt better when I woke up. That evening, V and I talked it out and reiterated that we did the right thing. On Saturday, I will have 2 good blastocysts to look forward to.

Not so. On Saturday, we returned to the clinic. I was a little apprehensive after Thursday but I knew that was the day. My bladder was full and I felt a little distended and bloated. Soon, we were called in and Dr Sadhana delivered the news. One of our embryos didn’t make it. So we only had 1 left. We would be transferring that and so, there will be nothing left to freeze. As gutted as I was, I tried to push all the negative emotions aside. Having 1 blastocyst was better than none. I have heard of so many cycles that had to be postponed as it could not even reach this state.

As the preparations went underway, Dr Sadhana mentioned that she was hoping to get more follicles from me based on the scan results but most of the sacs were empty, resulting in only 4 eggs. I asked if there was anything I could do to improve the numbers but she just said it was genetic and sometimes, it is just like that. sigh.

Soon we were about to begin. She inserted a catheter which was not unlike the IUI procedure but this seemed more uncomfortable as I had a full bladder. It was like when you really need to pee and someone is boxing into your bladder. I grimaced and tried to bear with it – I would be having my precious embie in me soon! Then the TV screen showed a live-feed from the other side of the procedure room where the embryologist was showing me my details and asking me to verify. V and I were very amused at the high-techness and soon, they showed us the petri-dish where there were some black dots. One of the dots was my blastocyst! They zoomed in and showed us how it looks like.

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My precious little blastocyst

 

 

The dark mass of cells at the side would become the foetus and the round membrane would be the placenta. Excitement tingled through me as the embryologist sucked up this little one and carefully brought it over to where I was lying. Through the ultrasound screen, I could see the little needle entering my uterus (uncomfortable and cold) and soon, a little wriggle was released into it! I felt so overwhelmed (positively) and reached out for V’s hand though it was at a very weird angle as he was seated diagonally behind me and I was lying down. After that we just lay there for a bit, while the embryologist came and explained about the blastocyst to us and passed us the photograph.

Soon, we left and I was feeling really really bloated. I went to pee (checked with the nurses and they said it’s perfectly fine) and we headed home.

That was when the torture began. By the time I reached home, the slight cramps which began at the hospital climaxed to intense cramps rivaling my murderous menstrual cramps. I was so so afraid and called up the hotline, but they said it was normal and advised me to take some paracetamol. I did some googling and found that it was common as it was simply the uterus reacting to the invasion. I prayed and prayed my precious embie would stay there despite the hostile environment and swallowed the pills. Thankfully, the pain subsided and I drifted off to sleep.

I must say, V has been so so supportive. He has ordered me to stay in our room and has been climbing up and down the stairs bringing me everything I need and want. He fed me lunch as I was still in pain and did whatever he could to make me comfortable. I am so grateful for him and I only wish I can bear him a child as he would be the most wonderful father I know.

Today is 1DP5DT. In normal talk, it means 1 day past 5 day transfer (as my blastocyst was 5 days old when it was transferred to me). As I anxiously tide through the next 2 weeks, I can only hope for the best and pray for my little embie to stick on.

 

 

 

 

 

Oocyte Pick Up day or Egg Retrieval 

So since the last time I blogged, things have progressed some what. I went back for another scan 2 days later on Friday and (FINALLY!) was given the go-ahead for egg retrival on the following Monday.

WOOHOO!!! Finally, after alll those days of eating ridiculous egg whites, jabbing myself every morning and brewing red date tea, my perseverance paid off!

I was told to come back the next morning for a Progesterone blood test (which is supposed to aid with egg transfer) and again at night for the Ovulation trigger injection at the 24-hour O&G clinic. Meanwhile I was to finish up my last Puregon jab that day and continue with my Ugalutron jab the next morning.

I feel like a scientist just sprouting the names of all the medications.

ANYWAY I did as instructured (thankfully the Sat clinic visits went by uneventfully and the butt jab was suprisingly painless) and spent Sunday freaking out over if

– I’d have enough eggs to retrieve

– my blocked nose may cause me to never wake up from the sedation

– I should leave a will behind

– will V know my laptop password

– the house is in a mess and if people were coming over for my funeral, it would be so embarrassing!

basically I was going a bit psychotic.

Thankfully Monday came soon enough before I went fully berserk and we reached KKH at 9am as instructed. Waited for our queue number and at ard 9 20, after a quick briefing, V went off to produce his soldiers while I went to get prepped for the procedure. How romantic.

I was told to change into the hospital robes and proceeded to get the IV drip probe thing injected into my wrist. That was much more painful than all the daily jabs, probably cuz I have a skinny wrist and definitely-not-skinny tummy. Fats help. hurhur.

I was brought to the sterile white room and laid down, with my legs on the stirrups. As I stared into the white lights at the ceiling, I started muttering all the chants and hymns I could recall (recall my paranoia about dying from sedation) and it’s funny how much holier and spiritual we get in desperate times haha.

Soon Dr Sadhana came in and checked my personal details and the anesthesiologist started her job. Before I knew it, I was being woken up saying that the process was over and I was being wheeled to the recovery room. All that was running through my head was ‘How many eggs did they get?’ but all I was told was to rest.

So I did. I kept drifting in and out of sleep with some mild cramps. I say mild as my monthly cramps are usually equivalent to being murdered so this was quite alright. I remember the nurse coming to me and putting an oxygen mask on me and mentioning that I wasn’t breathing. (??) Now that I think of it, if I wasn’t breathing, wouldn’t I be dead? Oh well.

After more drifting off and up, a cup of milo and biscuits and an hour and 30 minutes, I was told to get changed. I was bleeding a little but was told it was normal. It was still a little sore and I was glad for the nurses’ help.

After that, I was sat down and told that the dr had retrieved 4 eggs. Initially I was disappointed but then I thought back to how anxious I was that I wouldn’t even get 2 eggs. I guess we always want more than what we already have. All I can hope for is that they get fertilised and become good growing embryos!

I was briefed on some post-procedural notes like no drinking, no exercising and driving etc and was told to wait for V to pick me up.

Then I was told to come back on Thursday for (hopefully) what would be D3 (Day 3) Embryo Transfer, IF (big fat IF) everything went well.

And that was it. I was a little hungry as I had to fast from 12 midnight last night. Luckily the annual Ramadan bazaar near our place had just opened and they always have yummy food so we headed over and got some Nasi Ambeng for lunch. YUMS!

I knocked out for 4 hours after that and woke up feeling much better though am still sore and contispated. Now it’s just a waiting game for Thursday to see the fate of my eggs.

Wish me luck!

One of those days

Yesterday was a bad day.

I started out the day with a really bad flu that made me feel like a train wreck. Feeling like a stuffed panda, I got V to drop me off at KKH at 7 30am for my CD14 scan (stims day 12).

I was expecting some good news as the scan 2 days ago seemed favourable. ‘Maybe I can do my ET tmr’ I thought wistfully.

Wistfulness it was indeed. The only highlight of my day was that I was queue number 4 (finally!). Scan showed that my eggs were not growing as fast as they should. So the Drs increased my puregon dosage (175 IU to 225 IU) and told me to come back in 2 days time.

That felt like a huge slap across my snot-filled face. ‘See, that’s what you get for being too happy’ my inner pessimist muttered.
After collecting my jabs, I headed home, jabbed myself and immediately collapsed on bed, having a fitful sleep punctuated by vivid weird dreams.  I woke up at 3pm, past lunchtime having only ate a muffin and hashbrowns for breakfast. (and my 4 eggs of course).

I think that was truly when I felt so horrible. I am not sure if it was the increased dosage of hormones or my horrible flu which seemed to be getting worse or the state of being hungry but having no energy to get food or just the disappointment of the morning – but i burst into tears. Strong heaving sobs of self-pity tears.
‘why me?’ I asked myself again and again. ‘Why does this have to be so difficult when people can get pregnant by accident??’

Then I wallowed in even more self-pity and replied to my mum who was asking about the scan and my health. I whined I was having a fever and she immediately replied ‘Okay will cook fish curry. You drink milo first and take medicine’.

Feeling a little guilty about inconveniencing my mum, I waddled to the kitchen and made myself a hot cup of milo and swallowed some dry biscuits that just would not soften in the milo!! damn it! WHO EATS HARD BISCUITS WITH HOT MILO?!

V was then supposed to be on his way back from work so I messaged him to get me some dinner so that I didn’t need to bother my mum. He called about 45 minutes later and said he had left work late but would get me the porridge.

‘It’s okay. I had milo’ I half-snapped and half-sobbed as I ended the  call. Fresh tears came by as I thought about how my husband couldn’t even be bothered to leave work on time to come back to his sick wife. And to make matters worse, my besties didn’t even message me to ask me how the scan was!

Then something snapped.

‘V doesn’t know how sick you are. You didn’t tell him you got worse.’

‘Your besties don’t know about your scan. You didn’t tell them. Are they supposed to ask you every day?’

‘Your mum, with her own health issues, is coming over after cooking fish curry because you were such a whiny bitch.’

BHAM. Self-pity parade over. Yes it was an exceptionally tough day but I’ll get through it. People have it worse and people have it better. I couldn’t just sit there and wonder why the world isn’t revolving around me. I had to tell myself I WILL get better. I told myself that maybe the reason why the ET got pushed was to give me time to recover. I had to remind myself that this journey is NOT going to be smooth and I need to be prepared.

Yesterday was a bad day. But i got over it. And I will get over all the bad days to see my own little bub in my hands.

Cycle Day 12 Stims Day 10 of IVF cycle 1

I am sitting here in the eternally-crowded waiting room of the KKH IVF clinic, waiting for my number to be called. I forgot to bring along my book and am bored of all the mindless games and social media stalking, so decided to pen down some thoughts while I can still remember the details…

IVF so far has been a roller coaster ride.

Injections (Stimulation)
I was dreading the injections but they are the least of my worries. Once you get the hang of it, it’s pretty easy and having a fat tummy helps to ease the pain I guess haha. either that or I have a very high pain threshold. However, the last 2 days jabs seem to be more painful than before. I’m guessing because the area is getting more sore and my ovaries are also bigger from the follicles.

The only problem I face is time as I start work at 7 20 and the jabs can only be done from 7 to 8am. So it’s basically a mad rush every morning.

Daily stimulation

CD 3-12 (as of now) : 175mg of Puregon (to induce growth of follicles)

CD 5-12 (as of now) : 225 mg of Orgalutron  (to prevent ovulation)

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Nutrition

This on the other hand, I underestimated. Before embarking on IVF, I did some intensive research (ok, googling) and put together a list of things I should and should not be including in my diet. So to sum it up…

Avoid
1. Caffeine (goodbye coffee and tea :(( )
2. Cold drinks and food
3. Acidic food

Include
1. Plenty of egg whites
2. Red date tea
3. Folic acid
4. ‘Heaty’ food
5. Lots of warm water

Of course, this list is not exhaustive but I decided not to make life too difficult and stick to it. But boy, it hasn’t been easy.

Firstly, the Singapore weather is like putting myself into a burning furnace. AND I HAVE TO AVOID COLD DRINKS!!! This was the ultimate torture. Having to gulp down my desire for ice-cold sweet tea and order warm water when I eat out has slowly been killing me…but I will persevere!

Secondly, brewing of the red date tea takes time and having to rush to work in the morning after my jabs doesn’t give me time enough. Thankfully V is pretty sweet and prepares it for me in a nice thermos flask while I get ready in the morning. Awwwww. The tea itself is not too bad as I add some rock sugar ✌

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Thirdly, can I just say I hate eating egg whites?!?
Before I started eating them with a vengence, I was an egg lover so I thought what’s the big deal?!
My mum’s colleague also recently underwent IVF and apparently she ate 4 egg whites every morning and evening.
THAT IS 8 EGG WHITES A DAY!! of course, being the kanchiong cautious person I am, I decided to follow suit.

The first few days were not so bad as I experimented with the various ways of eating them – fried, omlette, hard boiled and soft boiled.

My least favourite- hard boiled. I almost puked everything out as I tried to stuff it down my throat. YUCKS.

Easiest method would be soft boiled. You just add some pepper, hold your nose and gulp it down! V does this for me every morning and evening and sometimes, I don’t know what I did to deserve him 😍😍😍

Tastiest would be scrambled but it takes some time to cook as well as eat so I normally only eat it this way if I’m not in a rush.

Avoiding caffeine is also sooo difficult especially when I have back to back lessons in a hot stuffy classroom with NO ICED WATER to cool me down. But i try to compensate with milo (for extreme situations only, as milo is not exactly the healthiest drink) or just snap at my students  (kidding…or am i?)

Support System

I think it is extremely important to have a good support system. I am blessed that I am (mostly) surrounded by wonderful beings.

My mum is my biggest cheerleader. Everyday she calls me and starts off her the conversation with ‘Have you ate the eggs??’ haha. though annoying at times, I don’t know what I would do without her. awww

My besties and sisters are also always checking up on me and keeping me in their prayers. Sometimes it may not be that easy for them to get what you’re going through but I appreciate that they try 🙂

Sometimes friends you thought are close friends will avoid you like the plague as they don’t know what to say. It’s okay as I don’t blame them. Just tell yourself that at least they’re not saying stupid things to irritate you haha. And some friends who I thought were the ‘hi-bye’ sort and only good for a wild night out were the ones who kept messaging me and asking me how I am doing. This put a smile on my face as I realised how I underestimated the qualiity of my friendships.

My work place has been so supportive as well!! I am so so grateful that both my big and small boss have been nothing but gracious with me. Of course, I did let them know that I wouldn’t be able to pre-empt in advance when I will have to go for my appointments and they have been okay with it, granted I finish up all my work on time. I do not ask for extension on deadlines etc as I already feel that I am inconveniencing a lot of people by frequently leaving school for appointments. Of course, my students are at the heart of all I do and I try my best to make sure they do not get affected.

My colleagues have been amazing as well! They tell me not to worry about work and willingly cover my duties when I am away. I had an important exam duty today but had to activate my reserve as I had to come in for my scan and he was so sweet about it. My co-form teacher has also been seeing more teachers for the parent-teacher meetings so I can run off for my scans. I really really appreciate all of these acts of kindness and it helps me to feel less stressed and concentrate on what matters. 🙂
So far, by God’s grace, my appointments have fallen on my not-so-busy days or post-exam periods. so YAY!

Last but not least, my husband has been my rock. From preparing meals to driving me around to being there for my jabs when he can choose to sleep in. Thank you. I have already written an entire blog post on husbands so am not going to repeat myself and sound like a broken recorder haha.

Of course I am fairly open about doing IVF as I would like to break the idea of  infertility being a taboo. I speak about it to whoever asks and share information willingly so I don’t have to hide much and worry about people finding out. However, if you’re not comfortable sharing as much as I do, just ensure you have some form of tight-knit support system to tide you through this period as it is really not easy.

I have finished drafting this insanely long post and I am still waiting. GOSH.

Cycle Day (CD) 9 of IVF

Yesterday, I went back to KKH for my second scan on CD9. I was both excited and terrified as I tried go second guess everything and filled up my mind with all the ‘what if’s.

After experiencing the eagerness of other IVF mummies, I aimed to reach KKH at 7 40am and this time, I was 12th in queue! woohoo! Waiting seemed to be lesser today and I was quickly called for my scan around 8 40am. (yes that is considered quick okay).

The thing about doing scans are that they’re not done by your doctors. The sonographers merely read out random numbers and you wonder what they mean. From what I could decipher, I had more than 8 eggs each side of my Ovary but the biggest follicle was at 9.5 and smallest at 5. I know the optimal size for egg retrieval is around 15-20 so obviously I was worried. Is this normal for CD9?

After the scan, the wait to see the doctor was exceptionally long. My number was skipped and I felt so restless. Finally around 1015, my number was called and I went into the doctor’s office.

‘Sorry we took so long. We had to consult Dr Sadhana so it took us some time’ an unknown doctor started.

I was a little disappointed as I thought i would be seeing Dr Sadhana herself but hey, at least she looked at my results.

So apparently I have a lot of eggs but they’re all pretty small. So i would need to continue with the Puregon and Orgalutron jabs for another 3 days and come back on Monday for another review. She also mentioned Dr Sadhana didn’t want to increase the dosage as I have high risk of OHSS due to my high number of eggs.

sigh i hate this feeling of not knowing what I can do. I am already eating an obscene amount of egg whites, avoiding anything cold and trying to eat as healthy as possible.

So for now all I can do is to down more eggs, jab myself and hope for the best. I am so worried my eggs won’t grow big enough.

Sigh. let’s hope for better news on Monday!

Embarking on the IVF journey

So I officially started my IVF cycle exactly a week ago but it feels like forever (so cliché, I know).

After our second failed IUI, we moved to KKH at the end of March 2016 and was told that my slot was in May. I had to wait till I got my May period and call the hospital immediately to set up my appointment.

Before that, both V and I had to attend the IVF counselling sessions during when we were told exactly what we need to expect  (financially, physically and mentally). It was basically a lot of ‘don’t get your hopes too high for this obscenely expensive procedure’ which was kinda depressing but in reality i was really kinda excited!

I sat there with 2 other couples (awkwardddd)  in the small meeting room and took notes like as if I was studying for an exam (with V rolling his eyes). After paying the bill (😣😣😣) and going for our blood tests, we were told to come back once my period came.

At first I was abit worried that my period would come earlier in April and that I could only get started with the cycle much later as I don’t have regular 28-day cycles. So i prayed and prayed that my April period would be delayed till beginning of May. I must have done something right as it DID get delayed…but to the point that it didn’t even come when May arrived!! By now I was freaking out and wondering if I was going to miss the May window entirely!!

My close friends and family who knew about my situation helpfully suggested that I may be pregnant  😑.  Here’s a tip guys – don’t ever tell a woman who’s been  trying to conceive for ages that hey, maybe you’re pregnant and don’t know??

Trust me. we know. we pee on sticks even if our period is delayed for 5 minutes. we know the difference between a missed period due to pregnancy and a missed period due to bloody hormones. It didn’t help that I was putting on weight and quite bloated. It got so bad that people just assumed I was pregnant and started telling others  -_-

Anywayyyyyyyy I called up KKH and explained the situation. They told me to come down and collect a prescription for a pill to induce my period but that would take 10-12 days too. With no other choice, I took it.

I also went to a TCM dr who prescribed me herbs to drink three times a day. It’s bloody disgusting but I just gulped it down, telling myself it would all be worth it.

I was quite down after my TCM visit as he kept frowning and saying ‘why never come earlier…i could have prepared you better’ and ‘you’re very stressed’ (duh) and ‘just don’t get too excited about this’.

HUH. Seriously was that a hint that this cycle was going to fail?!? He sent me off with a ‘good luck but be prepared for bad news’ look and I half wondered if I should postpone my cycle.

Of course, I knew postponing would not make sense as with the delayed period and all, my 2-week HL would sit nicely during my June holidays and that was the best option as I wouldn’t need to worry about getting someone to cover me at work or unnecessary questions from my kaypoh (nosey) students and colleagues.

So I went ahead. Ate the herbs. bought some red dates and red raspberry tea. Counted down to my period. Finally on day 12 from when I first took the pill, it came.

I tell you, I have NEVER been that excited to see my period before. I literally jumped in joy (in the staff toilet) and messaged V in caps “I GOT IT. I GOT MY PERIOD”.

haha even my close circle of friends who knew I was waiting for my period were so excited for me, it felt like I won the fertility lottery (yeah right).

On day 2 of my cycle, I went to KKH for ny first scan. I thought I was being smart by coming in at 7 45 am when scans only begin at 8 am. But. This is Singapore, land of kiasuism and I had underestimated my comrades. The waiting room was half full and my queue number was – disappointingly – not even the first ten. I messaged V, mentioning that I would need to queue overnight to get an early queue number.

He seriously considered it. 😐

It was bloody nerve-wrecking. I had to go for a scan with my full period and it was UNCOMFORTABLE to say the least.

Then it was another waiting game. Luckily I am the Queen of hospital waits and had brought along a book to occupy my time. Even then, I would get restless but with a fully-charged mobile phone, it was not too bad.

Soon the nurse called me over and said my lining was 3mm and I had many small follicles.

erm okay? (I didn’t even know if I shd smile. What if it was some horrible thing to have and I was looking like an idiot?)

It was good. phew. They’re looking at linings below 7mm and no large follicles. I could get started on my injections the next day! YAY! So happy to pierce myself.

This IVF has got me happy for the weirdest things.

So off I went to the pharmacy to collect the meds and another waiting game to learn how to poke myself without killing myself.

The lesson was quite interesting. I almost poked myself with an empty unsterilised syringe  as I thought I was supposed to practice piercing my own skin.

Nope. apparently you practice piercing a cylindrical sponge like thing. oooh..

Then I got too excited and pierced the sponge before the nurse said go. I swear the look she gave me was the same as the look I give the most irritating of my students. Sigh. Now I know how they feel.

So after alot of exxasperated sighs (from the nurse) and apologies (from me), I got the hang of it and went home with my jabs wrapped in a plastic bag containing ice packs. So unglamorous i tell you.

I was then sent home with a pack of folic acid tablets to eat everyday and daily jabs to begin the next day.

Exciting times.