When dreams (maybe) do come true

So I realised I have not blogged in over 2 months *gulp*

To tell you the truth, I think I have been purposely putting off updating as I have this irrational fear that saying positive things might just jinx something.
Anyways, I need to get over it as I only survived my 3 years of infertility by reading positive stories on blogs, so I think it’s time to return the favour.

Today I am 16 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Yayyyy. There was a time I seriously never thought I would be able to say such a thing. I am still very cautious, though I am slowly opening up to the possibility that I will be holding my own little bub in my hands in just a little less than 5 months. *gasp*

So what’s been happening so far? Lots.

Diabetes

On the diabetes front, I’m sad to say I have graduated from diet-controlled to DAILY bloody insulin injections. Sigh. Soon after I wrote the last post (about a week), the nurse called me to say that the dr would like to start me on insulin, despite my good readings.
WHY WHY WHY, you may ask (like how I screamed at the poor nurse).
Well, because pregnancy hormones only increase insulin resistance. So I need to start on the jabs early on to ensure the increased blood sugar doesn’t affect bubs. Sigh. Unlike gestational diabetes, my baby is at higher risk esp during first trimester when the excess sugar could accelerate physical growth but lead to overall poor development (I.e. body develops faster than organs)

So I started off with low dosage and ended up with hypoglycemia haha. I had to lower the dosage even more but along the way, my lunch and dinner dosage slowly increased (due to my heavy lunches at work and inactivity at night) though they are still considered withn low to moderate ranges.

During my last diab. clinic session (2 weeks ago), I was told that everything was looking good and bubs is growing on target (and not more, which is a worry) so I only have to go back in 8 weeks instead of the typical monthly sessions.
Yay! good job Me! Truthfully, it’s been a pain having to watch every morsel that goes into my mouth, especially during a time when I feel so HUNGRY all the time. To make it worse, I have no food aversions nor nausea so it’s not that I can console myself that I won’t be (physically) able to eat it anyways.My bestie who always had horrible food aversions, nausea, heartburn and the works, always remarks with jealousy that I am not suffering from any of these but I gently remind her that it doesn’t matter, as I still can’t eat what I want anyways. And I have to poke myself 4 times a day. and check my blood sugar 7x a day. And see a diab gyane APART from my normal gyane. And pay extra for it. And induce my baby 2 weeks earlier. And be treated as a high-risk preggo.

That usually shuts her up.

Also, having to inject myself 4 times a day requires lots of planning. I have to ensure there’s somewhere private for me to poke myself (thankfully there’s a nursing room in the staff room). The only problem is when I am in public places and there is no decent toilet nearby. But these are small, minor issues and I’m just being a silly whiner.

Symptoms 

As mentioned, I have almost zero symptoms. This was a cause for extreme worry in the first trimester as I truly DID NOT feel pregnant. I had no nausea, no food aversions nothing.I only had sore boobs but this has been an almost everyday occurance since I started IVF a year ago, so I didn’t see it as a pregs symptom. Everyday I would bug V, asking him If I was still pregnant. Poor V, I really don’t know what I expected him to reply hahah 

Soon, I reached 11 weeks and IMMEDIATELY ordered a doppler online. Best.purchase.ever. Hearing my lil bub’s heartbeat is an instant up-lifter. I try not to listen too often cuz I dunno if a doppler has any harmful effects but it helps me (and takes the pressure of V to answer my ridiculous questions) so very much. 

Now, my most irritatng symptom is constipation. I highly suspect it’s more due to my iron supplements (due to my thalasemia minor issue) as the few days I forgot to take it was when I had better luck in the ladies. 

I have yet to feel bubs though sometimes I think I feel a little tremor. But as I don’t know how a tremor feels like, I’m really not too sure if it’s a tremor or just my bowels trying to escape my walls. 

Since I’m naturally plum, my tummy has always been conspicuous though some colleagues have already started asking me if I’m preggers..so I guess there is a little baby bump over my existing fat bump. Surprisingly, my students have yet to ask. I think it’s because they used to ask me ALL THE TIME if I was preggers (when I was not or when I just miscarried) and I would sarcastically reply that I am just fat. So they probably think it’s best not to awake my inner fat-complex demon haha.

Generall lingadings

Well, generally I am more comfortable telling people I am preggers. We have told our close friends and family though I’m reserving the social media announcements till the 20 week anamoly scan. I’m still super paranoid and have weird dreams about unfortunate events. Now that I’m in my 2nd trimester, my fears involve incompetent cervix and anamolies becuase of my diabetes. 

Many of my relatives and friends are so jealous that I am having a physically-smooth pregnancy. They look at me with such green eyes when they learn I have never puked nor retched. I just tell them that I treat it as a reward for my years and months of tears and trauma from infertility, the stress of IVF and of course, the diabetes shit. I ask them which they would prefer and they usually get it.

I understand that I’m supposed to be grateful for my comfortable progress (I know I am) but only I (and V) know the hard work it takes to maintain my blood sugar and how much my brain goes into override, imagining the worst of any scenario. So I guess the lack of symptoms is a pay-off that God allowed me.

For now, I shall try my best to be optimistic. We have decided to do all types of baby-purchases after 5 months. So that’s what I’m looking forward to now. 

Let me leave you with the picture of our announcement to our friends and family – something I have been dreaming of since we started our TTC journey 3.5 years ago.