Positive anxiety

The last time I blogged, I lied.

I lied because I had already POAS on (numerous) HPTs and I knew. They were all positive πŸ™‚

But rather than the delirious, over-the-sky joy I experienced the last time, I was so nervous. 

So nervous that the positives were just the beginning of something painful.

So nervous that I wouldn’t be seeing the positives for much longer.

So nervous that I would do something to screw it up.

As I anxiously saw the line getting darker over the days, I kept the secret to myself and worried myself sick. V’s bday was in a few days time and I decided to keep it from him till then.

Maybe I will start spotting. Maybe I should spare him the heartache.

His bday was about 3 days before the Beta and I had planned it all. I had gotten him a nice present and besides that, placed the Clearblue digital kit that said ‘pregnant 1-2 weeks’ inside another box.  As he opened the presents, his actions mirrored my feelings. Yes, he was so happy but there was a nervous trepidation to it. As if we did not want to to jinx anything by celebrating too early.

The next few days went by painfully slow. I counted down from days to hours to minutes. Friday morning, we headed down to SGH, got my blood taken and were told that we would be called around 2-3pm (a HUGE difference in time as compared to KKH) with the results.

With our hearts in our throats, we made our way to temple and completed our normal Friday routine. Then to kill more time, we went to watch the movie ‘Fantastic Beasts’ which though was a great movie, did not help my nerves as my eyes flicked nervously to my phone every few minutes.

It was 2 20pm by the time the movie ended and there was no call. That was when I went to the toilet and noticed a slight brown discharge. My heart sank but it was as if I was expecting it. The dishcharge was very light and looked nothing like blood but I felt like it was the end.

Finally at 3pm, I still had not received any call. So I decided to just call them back and the nurse on duty, after some checking, exclaimed ‘Congratulations!!’. 

My heart soared though I knew in the back of my mind that I shouldn’t be quick to celebrate. We then made our way to SGH and upon reaching and further bugging, I found that my beta was 224!

This was at 12dp3dt. The last time at 13dp5dt, my beta was 114. So it was almost double the number and I felt vaguely comforted by that. The nurses seemed very happy with my numbers and that helped to soothe me further.

After a quick briefing, I was told to return weekly for return Beta tests and my 6 week scan in 2 weeks. We collected the medication and headed home for some much-needed rest.

Ironically, I have yet to accept I am pregnant. I have heard and seen so many horror stories of chemical pregnancies, no heartbeats, empty sacs, blighted ovums, lack of fetal pole and whatsnot that I wonder how low is the chance of something like that not happening to me?

Infertlity screws with your mind big time – you get so used to dealing with failure after failure, that when you finally taste success, you’re determined it won’t last.

The brown discharge is almost negligent now and I do get nauseous (esp at night) and all sorts of weird pulls and twinges. but I am trying not to read too much into it.

For now, I am taking one milestone at a time. The last time round, the pregnancy ended at 21DPO. That is the same as 18dp3dt for this cycle. This falls on the same day as my next Beta, so my focus is on getting through that. (40 hours to go)

We have not told our parents yet and have decided to break the news to them after the 6 week scan, once a heartbeat is viable. (8 days and 40 hours)

Till then, I will remain positively anxious. 

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8 thoughts on “Positive anxiety

  1. Haha congratulations and welcome to the club! πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒ yes I agree that it’s best to wait till the 6th or 8th week scan before informing others. But immediate family can lah so they can take care of you!

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      1. Are you sure mommy won’t be upset if you didn’t tell her earlier though? And do make sure you slack and rest a lot. The first 8 to 12 weeks are crucial. Hopefully you don’t get bad sickness. I had it throughout my whole pregnancy and it was a torture!

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