Trying to trick my mind.

I feel like I need to blog about something else to just get my mind off this cycle.

The problem is, everything in my life now revolves around IVF. Family, Work, Social Life – everything.

I have been trying to be positive and tell myself that I am already pregnant. If this is true, it calls for a lot of changes. I am definitely not complaining as this is something I have been yearning for the past 3 years and more.

Firstly, work-wise, I would need to let my Reporting Officers know as soon as possible. I generally teach the upper secondary students and normally take on at least 1 graduating class. If When I get pregnant, I would have to give ample notice to my ROs so they can deploy me accordingly. If I have to be away for 4 months out of a year, it will not be fair to my graduating students. So, I probably will get that graduating class taken away, which sucks as I have come to love the class I have been teaching since the beginning of the year. I actually look forward to teaching them and they make me want to do more for them.

Also, I am eyeing a promotion in school and being out-of-sight for 4 months is not going to favour me. Furthermore, I am hoping that the pregnancy is relatively smooth as I have seen colleagues “falling out of favour” due to missing one too many days at work because of their morning sicknesses, ailments etc. Sounds sucky but welcome to modern reality.

This all sounds very selfish but the truth is, in the course of dealing with my infertility, I have thrown myself into work the past few years. I slogged to at least get the satisfaction of doing well in one area of my life, the area I can control. And it worked! My work was recognised, I was finally being recognised and better things came my way. Now, the workaholic me is freaking out a little over the upcoming implications.

Social-life wise, I do not see much of a change as I have pretty much become an old bore. I stopped drinking (BIG BIG BIG deal for me) once I started fertility treatments and I am usually so tired from work that I relish my weekends to sleep-in and just do nothing. Gone are the days that I clubbed into the wee hours of the morning, or just stayed up till the sun came up for no apparent reason. Now, I don’t even do weekday dinners unless they are very special occasions. Most of my close friends are parents so meet-ups are usually centered around their busy schedules anyways. So yup, no change there.

The only social change I envision is stopping my dance class. Dance has been an outlet for me for ages and though I stopped in between, I went back to class about 1 and a half years ago. Many people questioned why I went back to dance in the middle of fertility treatments but the truth is, I need dance to keep me sane. It is literally the only form of exercise I enjoy. I love dancing and I love the joy it gives me. Yes, it is tough to explain those 2 weeks of absences each time I do a treatment but I manage somehow. I will definitely miss dancing but I see it as a break and not a permanent good-bye 🙂

Of course, my ultimate indulgence is travelling and that would have to be on hold too. But I don’t mind. I have travelled quite a bit (though not as much as I would like) and I think I would love to travel more as a family with any new addition(s). It is just a different sort of adventure I look forward to.

It may seem that I am complaining about how pregnancy may will affect my life. But in reality, I am preparing myself. You see, if I list all these “disadvantages” here, maybe, just maybe, I won’t be so crushed if this cycle fails.

Maybe, just maybe, I can take comfort in knowing that my work, social life and travelling plans can go on as per normal.

Maybe, just maybe.

Who am I kidding?

48 hours to go.

 

 

 

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Trying to trick my mind.

  1. I’m also a bore but I’ve decided to embrace it and enjoy it!! My acupuncture guy likes to give me pep talks during my sessions and one such talk recently was all about not worrying about what’s happened in the past (you can’t change it) and the future (it’s not happening yet), but just focus on the now. So right now I guess you’re just getting by each day until Friday which is completely ok. Don’t stress too much about things that are in the future, or as my mum says, cross that bridge when you come to it?

    Anyway, do you have any symptoms? Today all I wanted to do is eat potatoes. So if I’m not preggers then I’m just really greedy!! 🍀

    Like

      1. Gassy is a tough one as it can also depend on what you’ve eaten but it still could be a good sign. I think hungry definitely is!! My boobs are also a bit more sore today but I think I’m a little obsessed with them!!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I know just how you are feeling! I don’t think you are selfish at all by the way to be thinking about your career and how to not impact it too much. I already find it difficult at times juggling work with all the doctor’s visits etc and I try to keep sick days to a minimum in general. If I get pregnant I also hope that morning sickness won’t be too bad so that I can still keep up with my job and not lose out on promotion opportunities or whatever! These are struggles most working women who want to be mothers have to think about!

    My social life is already not so crazy like yours so I also don’t see big changes there. What kind of dancing do you do? That’s really cool btw. I think it’s great that you keep it up as long as you can if it makes you happy.

    Like

    1. Thanks for such a reassuring message! I feel so hypocritical at times- doing anything in my power to get pregnant and then worrying about how it’s going to impact my life thereafter. Thankful I’m not the only one who thinks that way!
      All the best to your TTC journey! I do classical Indian dance:) And I love it- been dancing since I was 7 with a short break taken when I started TTC but went back about a year and a half ago..

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s