So I succumbed to the POAS (Pee On A Stick) devil and finally gave in after resisting for 5 days. Well I am lying. I didn’t resist much for 5 days, I just didn’t have any HPT (Home Pregnancy Test) kits at home and the ones I ordered online finally arrived last night. So I resisted for a grand total of 12 hours.
This morning when I woke up at 8 30am to put in the Progesterone inserts, I decided to give it a try. I know 5DP5DT is a little early and I promised myself I wouldn’t get upset, but seeing the stark white space, willing and wishing for the faintest of pink brought back such painful memories. I titled the little strip in all directions, under various light conditions, trying to convince myself there was a faint line, but nope. Nothing.
I feel so empty now and although I know it’s still early, I can’t help but wonder if this cycle is a failure. I feel like digging a hole and just staying there. Today, 2 friends who know about this IVF messaged to ask how I was doing. Although it was very sweet, the emptiness just got worse. It’s not that I’m giving up but I need to be mentally prepared. Expecting a glimmer of hope and then have it all dashed by a negative beta or by AF is so heart-wrenching and the days that follow are usually followed by extreme darkness.
It’s been 3 years but it never gets easier, does it? Hoping for my precious embie to still be hanging in there..hang tight little one. I still wish with all my heart to see that line next week.