Yesterday was a bad day.
I started out the day with a really bad flu that made me feel like a train wreck. Feeling like a stuffed panda, I got V to drop me off at KKH at 7 30am for my CD14 scan (stims day 12).
I was expecting some good news as the scan 2 days ago seemed favourable. ‘Maybe I can do my ET tmr’ I thought wistfully.
Wistfulness it was indeed. The only highlight of my day was that I was queue number 4 (finally!). Scan showed that my eggs were not growing as fast as they should. So the Drs increased my puregon dosage (175 IU to 225 IU) and told me to come back in 2 days time.
That felt like a huge slap across my snot-filled face. ‘See, that’s what you get for being too happy’ my inner pessimist muttered.
After collecting my jabs, I headed home, jabbed myself and immediately collapsed on bed, having a fitful sleep punctuated by vivid weird dreams. I woke up at 3pm, past lunchtime having only ate a muffin and hashbrowns for breakfast. (and my 4 eggs of course).
I think that was truly when I felt so horrible. I am not sure if it was the increased dosage of hormones or my horrible flu which seemed to be getting worse or the state of being hungry but having no energy to get food or just the disappointment of the morning – but i burst into tears. Strong heaving sobs of self-pity tears.
‘why me?’ I asked myself again and again. ‘Why does this have to be so difficult when people can get pregnant by accident??’
Then I wallowed in even more self-pity and replied to my mum who was asking about the scan and my health. I whined I was having a fever and she immediately replied ‘Okay will cook fish curry. You drink milo first and take medicine’.
Feeling a little guilty about inconveniencing my mum, I waddled to the kitchen and made myself a hot cup of milo and swallowed some dry biscuits that just would not soften in the milo!! damn it! WHO EATS HARD BISCUITS WITH HOT MILO?!
V was then supposed to be on his way back from work so I messaged him to get me some dinner so that I didn’t need to bother my mum. He called about 45 minutes later and said he had left work late but would get me the porridge.
‘It’s okay. I had milo’ I half-snapped and half-sobbed as I ended the call. Fresh tears came by as I thought about how my husband couldn’t even be bothered to leave work on time to come back to his sick wife. And to make matters worse, my besties didn’t even message me to ask me how the scan was!
Then something snapped.
‘V doesn’t know how sick you are. You didn’t tell him you got worse.’
‘Your besties don’t know about your scan. You didn’t tell them. Are they supposed to ask you every day?’
‘Your mum, with her own health issues, is coming over after cooking fish curry because you were such a whiny bitch.’
BHAM. Self-pity parade over. Yes it was an exceptionally tough day but I’ll get through it. People have it worse and people have it better. I couldn’t just sit there and wonder why the world isn’t revolving around me. I had to tell myself I WILL get better. I told myself that maybe the reason why the ET got pushed was to give me time to recover. I had to remind myself that this journey is NOT going to be smooth and I need to be prepared.
Yesterday was a bad day. But i got over it. And I will get over all the bad days to see my own little bub in my hands.